probably 2/3s of the oages I follows on my tumblr are porn blogs. LAWL
- I miss being loved and having a parter to guide me when I'm wrong. But life is a journey. I'm here at a party I'm here to have fun not be depressed. Why do I do the things I do?
when I think of love, i’d like it to last forever, but its never the case. love is almost like a unique life, it grows from something you start or in this metaphor plant. it gets nurtured and cared for and progresses from there. Although we want this love to never end. it will, either from the decisions we make in life or upon our death. it then becomes a one way love as we cease to exist. Love is meticulous as it should be. here i wonder, if all I will ever be in life is just a nomad. moving on daily questioning if i’ll ever find love.
i learn more and more everyday. right now my biggest struggle /hurdle is being able to forgive myself and find my own inner peace. I’ve been mindlessly doing things throughout my entire life. this is something I cannot do forever, i have a feel for who I am, but I don’t truly know who/what I am. What my purpose in life or what my destiny is, the one thing I do know is, that no matter what, I will fulfill my dreams. No person can ever take that away from me. ever. I always hit these slumps, where I am just extremely hard on myself. I have every reason to be, I might suffer, I might hate myself, but If I didn’t, who would, I have to be my own worst enemy in order for me to succeed. I miss how things used to be, but it is now just a mere memory of what has happened, and rather and looking back and missing/regretting etc. I need to look in the now, I need to be aware of the opportunities that are infront of me, do what must be done. I have plenty of fears like everyone else but I will overcome them.
I guess what really has me down, is that no one believes in me, I’ve been told, a couple times around that I can be something. I know i can. Everyone in the background doubts me, while it does highly motivate me, there are days where they get to me, and while my depression or thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind, the thing that holds me from ever doing it, is always knowing that if I do. They will win.
Although this road, will not be easy in the slightest, there will room to grow and if you will have a “rebirth” like a phoenix, I shall rise from these ashes covered all over me.
im going to do it. with or without you along the way.
the girls that are bad for me I get, the ones I want never happen. yet at the end of the day. the smart ones, know that i’m not going to be there forever.
being alone, trying to make myself into something.
all I want, is women, money and power.
none of which I have.
am I a bad person for getting other to do what i want?
I like how i can think without any distractions in the shower. it is where i feel the safest. life has been strange these past couple weeks. but, there isn’t much to it. women are frustrating, (when aren’t they) but its that thought about affection and life. i mean, no mater how you look at love. there will always be an end. love will eventually become loved. while it isn’t a bad thing necessarily, as of now I’ve felt that. maybe I’m not supposed to be loved. its dumb but, I don’t feel that most women I’ve met date for convenience or money, not for the actual person. I mean, there is this one girl, there isn’t anything special about her, and i had a huge crush on her. I took her out, and we didn’t have that great of a date. while this other girl Gretchen, my god she’s had a hell of a life and I totally digg her. aside from her being in texas. we’re pretty into each other. I guess my only fear is that I feel that If I am not financially stable that I shouldn’t date someone. I mean i can put in so many requirements for me to feel that it is “okay” for me to date someone. but even then, will I be happy? I mean, if im not, they should at least deserve to be with someone who makes them happy. I don’t get why life has to be so fucking complicated.
Its where I’m meant to be. its my best way to define clarity. dark, cold and silent. perhaps I can go there one day.
you’re such bad news, but I’d love to mess around with you.
where are the real women. I’m tired of this “undecided’ bullshit.
p.s. lets fuck.
I no longer have a doubt in my mind that.
at some point.
I will be put to an ultimatum between Love and Money.
I swear. I’d just kill myself.
I get a text from you out of the blue,
"how much do you love me"
I tell her a lot. I go out of my way to drive and see you. I take you out to cheer you up from your bad day.
I feel really confused from your actions.
I don’t know where I stand.
Erin, as much you get around.
I wouldn’t mind if you’d just get your ass over here.
At this point, I’d just leave after we fucked.
I remember this one point, I couldn’t look at your page , as I had felt that I had failed myself. and at that time failed you. as time goes on i’ve come to realize that I had made a decision that was not only hard, but to really mature. i’ve met a lot of women, few compared to you with the same quality of being real. I just read people straight off the bat, and just get that sense of who they are. I’m not always correct, and always meet some interesting characters. never the less to finish this post.
Explore while you’re young. you’ll get to do it again.
just getting things off my chest.
Obviously you’re pregnant. I can read you like a book.
I feel that I’ve purged myself from love, in the relationship aspect. I mean, unless I feel that we’re really serious, I’m not going to see anything of you.
I’m cutting out all this bullshit in my life, and going deep into programming. I want to pursue my dream. I want to get this ball rolling instead of watching days, weeks, and months go by always giving myself some “petty” excuse.
My first goal, is to get my act together in college.
Then, to buy a Model S.
When I look at myself in perspective, I’m not that happy.
so I mean, I recognize this. My way of being happy is achieving a goal, then moving to the next one. I guess you can say, i’m never permanently happy. And Honestly, no one is, when you feel that you’re in a moment of perfection, that is when you will get blindsided so fast you won’t even be able to recognize its happening.
In my life, I’ve also come to realize that: I need to be alone, I know about myself, but I don’t feel I know who I am.
I don’t need to be loved, lectured, or disciplined. I just need to grow.
There’s this one thing about me I cannot ever shake off from me, its pretty flawed, but I mean, I fall for women often. But, I’ve been getting away from that, having to train myself to not let this happen. I’ve become a little bit of an ass to women, not in an abusive form, but I feel that it does a couple things.
1. Separates thos who just want you for your assets, and others who are really seeking a relationship.
2.No longer have someone pestering you as a distraction for their troubled life.
and other dumb things that I don’t feel like typing.
last, I am uncomfortable with how I look; with this being said, i’ve come to see what I look like, but always know I can change, and I’ve been working on it somewhat. but I don’t want to date someone until I’m satisfied with how I look.
Its such a mess, I’ve got a mess of lame depressing posts. I should redo my page. lIke that will ever happen. lol